The Holidays Are Over!

I don't normally use exclamation points. I actually have an aversion to (maybe even a phobia of) exclamation points. But that's a story for another day. The main point of this already rambling post is the fact that "The Holidays Are Over!" Or Ova as we say here in this corner of the Northeast. And thank God. This was the first year we had Christmas in our house. Not mom's house or dad's house, or Grandma's house or the in-laws house, or the house that I grew up in and used the woods to hide in and get wasted. Our house. Yep it was stressful. But the stress was "Will the turkey be done when we're ready to eat." or "I hope the cracklin' fire doesn't make the living room too hot", or "Did you remember to water the tree?" Rather than----

Pain. The pain of knowing that every other house in America is having a happy, happy Christmas while we swim against a flood tide of pain. Pain that was old and worn like a trusty baseball glove. We always hoped it'd be different, and that this Christmas would make up for all the painful Christmases from the past, but with each year's expectations going woefully unmet, the pain slowly ossified into bone, or maybe like a clam shell or..... ice. Clear, hard, cold, ice that you can kind of see through, but you can't hear or feel anything through. It was always going to be there I just needed to endure it by hiding and drinking and doing drugs as soon as I could. I mistakenly thought if I could just numb myself, it'd get better. It didn't until.....very slowly......I started getting sober.

My sobriety date is actually December 27th 1993. I actually have two dates. The first was dec 4th 1991. I was sober for 23.5 months and drank again. Long, Long story. But the bottom line is. It was a gift. Getting back. A gift from God. Looking back I needed all the pain. To be totally broken. To be humble enough to ask, plead, for help. I'm grateful for AA. I'm grateful for a place to go, and the kind people who helped me when no one else could. And I'm greatful that the holidays are over.