HALT has been one of the greatest tools in my recovery, and I'm grateful today that I have it in my head to pause when I'm Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Right now, I'm a bit of all four, a fairly unpleasant cocktail.
It's just one of those days when self-pity gets in the way. I'm feeling inadequate because some of my students were disrespectful in class today, but the bottom line is that I came into the situation unprepared. It's an awful feeling to be hunting through the pages in the book I'm teaching while the kids grumble about lunch. Feel sorry for myself, and I want to crawl into a cave.
I'm about to go take a nap so I can reset the day and get on with living.
The other thing bothering me is that some trustworthy kids have informed me that one of my advisees is dealing cocaine. I believe it could be true. Part of me wants it to be true. I want to bust him, in part because I don't think coke is a good thing to have in the community, in part because I feel like I need to produce a bit more, like a baseball player who needs to get a good solid hit.
While I don't like the police aspect of the job so much, I do sort of enjoy the thrill of a good bust, and coke is always a good bust. No way do I feel sorry for a kid who's dealing that shit. There's also the challenge factor; it's hard to catch a cokehead, virtually impossible to detect. The other reason, though less significant, is that I believe that my own bust, for drinking sophomore year, is the reason I came into the rooms at such a young age (29). That's when Michael from Freedom From Chemical Dependancy planted the seed. Every time a major hangover hit from age 15 on, my mind raced back to his prognosis: "alcoholic tendencies." If not for him, I might still be out there.
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