Like...I'm grateful for....

It's a Wonderful Life. I really love that movie. Donna Reed is hot and the sappy sentementality complete with morals and an angel who gets his wings moves me. It just does. I'm not ashamed of being moved. I'm not ashamed that the more corny things get the better I feel. I'm a cornball myself. I'd like to think I'm cool and all that but I'll watch "Rudy" --the movie about the dorkie kid who walks on to the Notre Dame football team in the 1970's and only get to play for like.. one play (but he sacks the quarterback) and get a little choked up at the end. So if being a little sapy is wrong...I don't want to be right. I'm serious.

I drank because I wanted to be cool or fit in (as well as having the allergy) but I also drank because I though it could give me something. A feeling of connectedness. Or being wanted. Or belonging. The crazy thing is it never really worked. The more I drank and did drugs, the more lonlely and isolated I became. What a crazy disease. I was compelled to the the exact thing that brought me further and further away from what I really wanted while thinking that "this time will be different". I know I'm not the only one. And I'm really grateful to know that I'm not the only one, who lived that way. So, I tell my wife I love her a lot. Because I do. I even tell the cats that I love them. It's so not cool. But it's the truth and there's a warmness there. I try and stop and remember the simple (some say corny) things in this toxic morass of fear that my workplace has devolved into. It takes a bit of effort these days. But it works. The hate and loneliness that seemed to be my constant companions fade into the ether to be replaced by a much more sturdy feeling of...ok-ness.